It is 8 am. I shower. Dress in black. Get in the car. Smoke. I’m shaky. A little nervous. I tell myself I’m not. Deep breathes. Focus on driving. Getting closer. Maybe 20 minutes. I’m just a person. I am nobody. Am I safe? Do I trust my doctor? Do I trust these people? Do I really want to talk? Can I talk? Do I have words or just tears? Who are these people? What do they really want? I need to speak.It’s the only way to move on. Do I care what people think? I am beyond that….or am I? I hurt. I am injured. No one understands. No one can help. Confusing. I am alone. I am a person. I am important. I’m there. Pull up in the narrow driveway. Two cars in the parking lot. The front door is open. I walk in. My psychiatrist, a videographer and another person. I don’t know Doug or Lisa. I sign papers. I take my meds. I breath. Deep slow breathes. Nobody knows I am here. My parents would not approve. They are no longer alive. I need to do this. I need to talk…..but on film? Really?
What is your name?
And it began.
I have attempted suicide.
I wanted to die and still do at times.
I have children that I love.
I was a burden to my kids and others.
I was in so much pain.
But today I have more hope.
Today I work for a suicide crisis line. I have felt the pain that so many have and I still do, but not all of the time anymore. I listen to people’s stories of their lives. I am there for them. They have someone to talk to, to share with and to feel connected to and mostly have someone who will listen. That is what we need.
I thank Doug, Lisa and Tim for allowing that to happen for me. Without the filming session for “The S Word,” I would not be helping others as I am today and I would not be as healthy. Admitting that I had attempted suicide and owning it has built my strength. I welcome this documentary into my life and truly believe it will open the conversation around suicide. Those who suffer from mental illness will eventually have the support that they need.