It is 8 am. I shower. Dress in black. Get in the car. Smoke. I’m shaky. A little nervous. I tell myself I’m not. Deep breathes. Focus on driving. Getting closer. Maybe 20 minutes. I’m just a person. I am nobody. Am I safe? Do I trust my doctor? Do I trust these people? Do I really want to talk? Can I talk? Do I have words or just tears? Who are these people? What do they really want? I need to speak.It’s the only way to move on. Do I care what people think? I am beyond that….or am I? I hurt. I am injured. No one understands. No one can help. Confusing. I am alone. I am a person. I am important. I’m there. Pull up in the narrow driveway. Two cars in the parking lot. The front door is open. I walk in. My psychiatrist, a videographer and another person. I don’t know Doug or Lisa. I sign papers. I take my meds. I breath. Deep slow breathes. Nobody knows I am here. My parents would not approve. They are no longer alive. I need to do this. I need to talk…..but on film? Really?
What is your name?
Ann Taylor.
And it began.
I have attempted suicide.
I wanted to die and still do at times.
I have children that I love.
I was a burden to my kids and others.
I was in so much pain.
But today I have more hope.
Today I work for a suicide crisis line. I have felt the pain that so many have and I still do, but not all of the time anymore. I listen to people’s stories of their lives. I am there for them. They have someone to talk to, to share with and to feel connected to and mostly have someone who will listen. That is what we need.
I thank Doug, Lisa and Tim for allowing that to happen for me. Without the filming session for “The S Word,” I would not be helping others as I am today and I would not be as healthy. Admitting that I had attempted suicide and owning it has built my strength. I welcome this documentary into my life and truly believe it will open the conversation around suicide. Those who suffer from mental illness will eventually have the support that they need.
I love you and believe in you. I feel for your struggle and wish I could be with you more often. You are a survivor, walk the walk and have a willingness to listen, care and counsel with feelings of unconditionally love for those who so desperately need help. Service of others is the best therapy for the human heart and soul. I love you and am incredibly proud of all you are.
Your little brother