I am a more compassionate parent to my son because I live with suicidal thoughts. And it took me until this moment to realize that.
Since trying to end my life over 15 years ago, I have seen a lot of doctors, tried a lot of different therapies, and a lot of diagnoses have been given to me and then rescinded. And I’m sure at least three people who read this will diagnose me with something new and/or ask me if I’ve tried yoga or kale smoothies. Yes and yes. Thank you for caring.
Through all the treatment and diagnoses, the one thing that is certain is that I live with Constant Suicidal Ideation. Will it one day go away? I’m working on it.
Being a parent and living with the thought of wanting to end my life is scary. But just like you can’t lose weight just by thinking about exercise, you also can’t die just by thinking about suicide. This sucks for the exercise part, but is a great reminder and comfort when it comes to living with, and working through, suicidal ideation. There is only one way living with these thoughts can harm my son, and that is if I follow through on them.
And while I would be more than content to not have these thoughts, is there any benefit to them? Yes, and I realize it over and over again as I parent. Because the part of my brain that goes from zero to kill yourself in two seconds is in many ways a struggling child that needs different messages it is getting. What it takes me to get through this disease is what I want to equip my son with to thrive in life.
I don’t know that many people would buy a book called “The Suicidal Parent’s Guide for Raising a Child,” but they should. In it they would learn that when your child is frustrated or anxious, no matter how sweetly you tell them to “calm down” or “relax,” it won’t be half as meaningful as letting them know there is nothing wrong with feeling frustration and anxiety; that those feelings are part of any life and we learn what we want to change in our lives to enjoy them more.
People who read my guide to parenting would learn about resilience. These days resilience is a big parenting buzzword, and that’s because it is invaluable. If you want to live but your brain is constantly telling you otherwise, you learn resilience happens when you tell yourself, or your child, “Here’s something that scares you; I know you can handle it.”
They would learn, most of all, that there is no shame in feeling any emotion, no matter what it is. That instead of saying to your child, “Oh no, why are you sad?” you can say, “I will sit with you while you’re sad and we can moan together.” They would learn that making sure your child is happy is neither possible nor helpful. That happiness has never been the opposite of depression. The opposite of depression is being healthy and healthiness comes from being able to feel everything we need to feel.
I have often viewed this disease as a curse, and I won’t go so far as to say it is a blessing. But I will say we can learn a lot from curses. Curses teach us how to take care of ourselves and also how to be empathetic towards others. And that, more than anything, is what parenting is. And the only way I get to parent is by staying alive.
I am a parent of a teen and pre teen. I feel alone, and for as long as I can remember I plan my death every day. I Googled so many terms to find out if I am the only parent woth suicidal thoughts and I struggle to find anything “parent directed” getting the recommended book. Thank you
I’m a year late because I was afraid to Google what I googled, but here we are. I hope you’re ok. You’re not alone. Sending love your way!
There has been no comments for about a year. But I am a parent and I wish there was a support system for parents who have suicidal thoughts everyday. If it wasn’t for my kids, I would be onto the next life. Everyday is torture. I don’t know how much longer I can last. My son is 26 and my daughter is 17. I was thinking when I get her off to college I can leave. But what about our surviving children? I wish there was a support system.
Hi Celina:
We are sorry to hear you are in such pain. If you haven’t done so already, please reach out to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255. There are people there who will listen. The most important thing is to talk to them, or someone (a trusted friend or family member, a therapist). We hope you decide to stay.
Hi Celina.Idk if you’ll even see this but I just wanted to reach out. I’m in the same boat. I have to force myself to get threw every single day. Sometimes every minute. I have no support system. No family. No friends. I’m a single mother of 3 beautiful children and I feel like such a terrible parent and person in general for not wanting to be here. Maybe we can help each other. I’ve been told I’m very funny. Lol. Ya know, when my brain takes a small break. My email is lleelu215@aol.com in case you want to talk. Your very much not alone. Much love to you and everyone out their who’s suffering.
I’ll be completely honest and say that I think the same thing sometimes. To just end it all after my kids are older, but then I look at my daughter’s face and feel so bad about thinking that. I sometimes feel like there’s no way out of this but I have to keep some type of hope for my kids. I hope you do to.
Hi. We have a lot of similarities. I too am a mother of 3 but single parent. I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety since my elementary years but with the passing of my mother, my ONLY support system, six years ago, I’ve been running on this hamster wheel of grief.
hey, I know it’s been awhile since you posted this. but I still wanted to reply. I’m a 19 year old college student & my mother has attempted twice now. once years before I left for school & once after.
I know you truly feel like your children would be better off, I know you are hurting so badly. but know the truth, from a daughter’s perspective: we love our mothers in their pain & dysfunction, we love you because of your humanity & mistakes.
your children want you forever & that’s not said to make you guilty, that’s said as a reassurance, as a gesture of love<3
That’s exactly how I ended up here too. I hope you’re doing well. I hope you all are. ❤️
If you can afford it at all, consider ketamine. It may not be for everyone but it saved me from chronic suicidal depression. I’m not cured but I can go 6 weeks or longer and feel normal between. I tried everything for years, over 25 medicines and various therapies and nothing else lifted it.
Thanks. Just saw this. I’m googling the data on kids committing suicide after one of their parents do. (Just because I’m not right doesnt mean I want my child to have this curse). Thanks for putting yourself out there. This helps.
I came upon this site while having another day of S ideation. I’m 57 and lived with an emotionally abusive spouse from 18 to 30— who, by the way, has been in prison for the last 14 years for molestation. I’m a ton better in so many ways (faith, remarried to a good man 20 years etc.) but I have certain triggers that are clearly related to those years long ago. Whenever one of my children speaks negatively/abusively toward me I want to end my life. It is an instant thought that usually hangs around until someone reaffirms that I’m a decadent person. It shocks me that I can be so put together in my day to day life and then be so instantly low. My saving grace is God; followed by my husband and my remote location— which keeps me out the fray for the most part. I was never suicidal as a kid growing up. Apparently one very ugly person can infect a reasonable spirit.
“But just like you can’t lose weight just by thinking about exercise, you also can’t die just by thinking about suicide.”
…that picked me up off the floor tonight, thank you. Not sure why such a simple sentence affected me so much but it helped me feel like a little less of a failure as a parent, thank you.
I’m glad you haven’t gone through it. It’s okay to feel that way. You aren’t alone.
I often wish to end it and tell my ex, his dad, to pretend like his current spouse is his mother instead. I’m truly too scared to entrust anyone else with him out of fear he won’t be loved as much by anyone else.
Well I’m gonna start off by saying I understand each and everyone of you guys and I’m sorry that ur going through this know u arnt alone. My name is Brianna I’m 21 years of age with a 2 year old and pregnant. Lately I have been thinking these types of things I feel so alone depressed. No one to lean on. Feel like I’m gonna get judged by everything honestly. I was raped by my daughters biological father. And beat. So I have alot of trauma and it affects me everyday , I just feel like im not good enough. Nor pretty. I just wish I had someone to talk to without being judged or feel ignored but hey I’ll be ok .
If you wanna talk to someone you can reach my email parab3llum01@gmail.com, I feel the same as you and having someone to chat with would at the very least help me, maybe you as well.
This resonates so well on how I feel daily. Some days are more manageable than others. Yet some the thoughts just come like in waves. I wish my thoughts wouldn’t be so extreme. I am glad I am not alone
I’m 37… my son is 5. His dad was killed in 2018 at the age of 37. Sometimes I wish I was gone. How selfish of me when that would leave him alone. He is why I haven’t gone through with it
I’m glad you haven’t gone through it. It’s okay to feel that way. You aren’t alone.
I often wish to end it and tell my ex, his dad, to pretend like his current spouse is his mother instead. I’m truly too scared to entrust anyone else with him out of fear he won’t be loved as much by anyone else.
Mom of 4 oldest is 18 youngest is 12, every single day I cry about this I just do not want to be here in this world anymore but the only thing that stops me is knowing how badly it would take a toll on them. I hope it keeps me going.
Hay I found this after searching to see if I was the only parent that felt this way. I’m a single dad with 3 kids I tried to end it years ago after their mom left us but since then I avoided it because Im all they have left but it honestly just feels like a prison of my own making I love them very much but I’m sooo tired of having to keep going when I really don’t want to anymore and having to be alone. I can’t hurt them by taking away their only parent so I’ll keep going for as long as I have to for them.