It is 8 am.  I shower.  Dress in black.  Get in the car.  Smoke.   I’m shaky.  A little nervous.  I tell myself I’m not.  Deep breathes.  Focus on driving.  Getting closer.  Maybe 20 minutes.  I’m just a person.  I am nobody.  Am I safe?  Do I trust my doctor?  Do  I trust these people?  Do I really want to talk?  Can I talk?  Do I have words or just tears?  Who are these people?  What do they really want?  I need to speak.It’s the only way to move on.  Do I care what people think?  I am beyond that….or am I?  I hurt.  I am injured.  No one understands.  No one can help.  Confusing.  I am alone.  I am a person.  I am important.  I’m there.  Pull up in the narrow driveway.  Two cars in the parking lot.  The front door is open.  I walk in.  My psychiatrist, a videographer and another person.   I don’t know Doug or Lisa.  I sign papers.  I take my meds.  I breath.  Deep slow breathes.  Nobody knows I am here.  My parents would not approve.  They are no longer alive.  I need to do this.  I need to talk…..but on film?  Really?

What is your name?

Ann Taylor.

And it began.

I have attempted suicide.

I wanted to die and still do at times.

I have children that I love.

I was a burden to my kids and others.

I was in so much pain.

But today I have more hope.

 

Ann flying

Today I work for a suicide crisis line.  I have felt the pain that so many have and I still do, but not all of the time anymore.  I listen to people’s stories of their lives.  I am there for them.  They have someone to talk to, to share with and to feel connected to and mostly have someone who will listen.  That is what we need.

I thank Doug, Lisa and Tim for allowing that to happen for me.  Without the filming session for “The S Word,” I would not be helping others as I am today and I would not be as healthy.  Admitting that I had attempted suicide and owning it has built my strength.  I welcome this documentary into my life and truly believe it will open the conversation around suicide.  Those who suffer from mental illness will eventually have the support that they need.